ADD
Raising A Child WIth ADD
ADHD is a deficit in planning, organizing, and carrying out complex behavior over a long period of time. The ADHD child is not suffering from lack of skill or knowledge, so showing the child how to do something to correct problems and then sitting back expecting this to be done is not likely to be successful.
Instead, you must:
- Give clear instructions every time
- Rearrange tasks to make them more interesting and motivating
- Redirect the child's behavior toward future goals vs. immediate gratification
- Establish a behavior management program with rewards, privileges and consequences and use it consistently
- Provide immediate rewards for a completed task or adherence to rules
Ten Guiding Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD:
1. Give Your Child More Immediate Feedback and Consequences
ADHD children seem more under the control of the moment than normal children. You must therefore become part of that moment or you will have little influence over your ADHD child.
If you want the child to stay on task, arrange for positive feedback and consequences that will make the task rewarding, as well as mild negative consequences for shifting off task.
When attempting to change negative behaviors, you must provide quick rewards and feedback for behaving well and swift negative consequences for acting inappropriately.
Tell the child what he has done wrong (rather than yelling), then remove a privilege.
2. Give Your Child More Frequent Feedback
ADHD children need fast and frequent feedback. Rather than waiting to praise a child who has trouble finishing math homework in a reasonable amount of time, instruct the child that she can now earn points for completing each math problem in a specified time, and that she will be fined points for each problem not done.
Find a way to remind yourself to catch your child doing something right and compliment her each and every time you do.
3. Use Larger and More Powerful Consequences
Your ADHD child will need more powerful consequences than other children to encourage her to perform work, follow rules, or behave well. These can include physical affection, privileges, special treats, tokens or points, or material rewards -- even money. Common wisdom dictates than children should not be "bribed", replacing intrinsic rewards like the desire to please, or the pride of doing a job well. However, intrinsic rewards are much less likely to influence ADHD children to start working, inhibit their urge to do in appropriate things, and to persist in their tasks. This is the nature of the ADHD disability.
4. Use Incentives Before Punishment
It is common for parents to resort to punishment when a child misbehaves or disobeys. This may be all right for the non-ADHD child, who misbehaves only occasionally and thus receives a small amount of punishment. It is not all right for the ADHD child, who is likely to misbehave much more often and could receive a great deal of negative consequences. This could result in resentment and hostility. Eventually the child will develop a negative self image and may actively avoid you, even find ways to strike back for the excessive punishment.
When you want to change a particular undesirable behavior, first decide what positive behavior you want to replace it with, and watch for its occurrence. When that happens, praise and reward it. Once this new behavior has been rewarded -- through earning points or tokens -- consistently for at least one week, try to use only mild punishment, delivered consistently and selectively, that is, for only this particular behavior. Do not punish your child for everything else he or she is doing wrong. Your behavioral management system will help to keep you and your child on target.
Remember the rule: Positives Before Negatives!!
5. Strive for Consistency
Applying consistency means four important things: (1) being consistent over time, (2) not giving up too soon when you are just starting a behavior change program, (3) responding in the same fashion even when the setting changes, and (4) making sure that both parents are using the same methods.
Being unpredictable or capricious in your enforcement of the rules is a common invitation to failure. So is losing hope when your new method of management fails to yield dramatic, immediate results. Give it a try
for 2-3 weeks before considering any adjustments to a behavior management program.
6. Act, Don't Yak!
Your ADHD child does not lack intelligence, skill, or reasoning, so simply talking to the child won't change the underlying neurological problem that makes him so uninhibited. He is much less sensitive to your reasoning than is a non-ADHD child and more sensitive to the consequences and feedback you use. If you act quickly and frequently your ADHD child will behave better for you. Keep talking, and all you will get is aggravation, not compliance.
7. Plan Ahead for Problem Situations
Develop a plan ahead of time before you enter a store, church, or other outside environment with your ADHD child, and share the plan with your child, with the intention of avoiding trouble.
a. Step 1: Stop just before entering the site of a potential problem.
b. Step 2: Review with your child two or three rules, like: "Stay next to me, don't ask for anything, and do as I say." Short and sweet. Then ask the child to repeat these simple rules back.
c. Step 3: Set up the reward or incentive -- stopping for ice cream on the way home, or the like.
d. Step 4: Explain the punishment, like a loss of points or a privilege. Do not threaten anything that you are unwilling to carry out.
e. Step 5: Follow your plan and remember to give your child immediate and frequent feedback while there. If you must, punish your child swiftly for any acts that violate the rules.
8. Keep a Disability Perspective
Commonly, parents may lose all perspective on the problems faced by the ADHD child. They may become frustrated, even enraged when their attempts at management do not work. They may even stoop to the level of the child and argue about the issue or retaliate as another child might do. You must remember at all times, you are the adult, the disabled child's teacher and coach. If either of you is to keep your wits about you, it clearly has to be you.
9. Don't Personalize Your Child's Problems or Disorder
No one is keeping score. Stay calm if possible, maintain a sense of humor about the problem, and try to follow the principles listed here when you respond to your child. Take time outs for yourself when necessary, to gain control over your feelings.
10.Practice Forgiveness
This is the most important and most difficult principle to implement consistently.
First, take a moment at the end of the day to review and forgive your child for transgressions. Your child cannot always control what she does and it only compounds the problem if you harbor bitterness toward her.
Second, concentrate on forgiving others who may have dismissed your child as lazy or morally defective. Take any corrective action that's needed, continue to advocate for your child, and let go of the criticism from others.
Third, practice forgiving yourself for any mistakes you have made in attempting to manage your ADHD child that day. ADHD children have the capacity to bring out the worst in us as parents. Replace any self-blame you may have with a frank evaluation of how you might improve and make a personal commitment to strive to get it right tomorrow.
